September 2025

My nightmares have taken a turn for the worse and now I'm waking up every 30 minutes instead of every hour. When I first started seeking treatment for my PTSD, I thought the nightmares were from the trauma I experienced growing up and from the sexual assault, where I thought a family friend drugged me and did inapproriate things to me when I was passed out. I woke up during it, I felt so heavy. I closed my eyes and passed out again. 8 months of intense cognitive behavioral therapy and wow! I no longer met the criteria for PTSD! Except for the nightmares, they persisted.

As some of you know, I have PTSD again because of a dog attack. So that's back.

The nightmares never went away. A few years later I was experincing excrucaiting TMJ pain. I legit wanted to die. I was tossed around by different doctors, dentists, orthodontic specialists until I finally received a referral for an orofacial pain specialist. Who knew they existed? Not me. I waited 8 months, completely unable to sleep due to the pain, for an appointment. I literally cried on the phone to the poor receptionists begging for a sooner appointment because my sleep was already bad enough in the first place, and this was making it unbearable. I was afraid I would kill myself before I was seen. When the day of my appointment finally came, they had me take a few surveys. The standard depression one and the "Epworth Sleepiness Scale". I scored a 23 out of 24, "Abnormal (possibly pathologic) sleepiness". I saw their eyes raise at my score, but they attributed it to my pain. My pain got better with some exercises and after 3 appointments, they wanted me to get an oral orthotic for sleep. However, my ESS score did not improve and they wanted to rule out sleep apnea. THey referred me to a sleep specialist. From my first day at the orofacial pain specialist, to the sleep behaviorist, took about another 8 months.

First meeting with my sleep behaviorist, he takes a detailed history. He listens, asks lots of detailed questions. Then he smiles and says he thinks I have narcolepsy. What? My husband said it when we first started dating in 2009. I didn't believe him. I always wished I was special but what are the odds I'd have a rare disease? And who wants to be special this way? From intake to diagnosis took almost a year, waiting for appointments at the sleep center. I read all about narcolepsy in the meantime, still thinking that couldn't possibly be me. Tiktok started showing me content from other people with narcolepsy that made me uncomfortable. I shared a lot of experinces with them, but no experience is unique. That's just a coincidence.

I was in the hospital for two days. A sleep study and an Multiple Sleep Latency Test (MSLT) the next day.

I had access to my results before my follow-up appointment with my sleep behaviorist. I took 5 naps for the MSLT. I fell asleep within 3.2 minutes on average. Abnormal is < 8 minutes. I hit REM in 6 minutes and had 3 Sleep-Onset REM (rapid eye movement) Periods (SOREMP). My diagnosis was Narcolepsy Type 2, suspect Type 1.

A side effect is night terrors. Sleep inertia. Sleep paralysis ( did he drug me or was it the narcolepsy? He admitted to assaulting me. ) Hallucinations ( I thought I could just see ghosts and just shut up about it because no one ever believed me ). Memory retention issues. Processing issues. I spiraled for months thinking about how much I forced myself through, working 3 jobs with 21 unit semesters at college. How hard I pushed myself because everyone told me they were tired too. I wasn't suicidal but I certainly wasn't going to fight it if something or someone took me out. I've been in multiple near death situations, particularly car accidents, because I just could not stay awake when driving.

An ad appeared on instagram, looking for people with Narcolepsy Type 2. I signed up.

My sleep behaviorist gave me a list of things to look out for because he suspected something else. My husband and I have been documenting what we thought could meet the criteria. Last month my diagnosis changed from Narcoepsy Type 2 to Type 1. The difference? Cataplexy. I've been experiencing cataplexy this whole time. I've fallen down flights of stairs, bleachers, rolled my ankle so many times, dropped and destroyed items because I was experiencing cataplexy.

I had my intake with the research study yesterday. I don't qualify for the study I signed up for because of my diagnosis changed. But he asked me how often I was experiencing cataplexy. I told him once or twice a week.

He then went on to say how little we know about narcolepsy and how little training and experience a lot of sleep behaviorists have with it becuse of how rare it is. He went explain to me that the symptoms of cataplexy are like a rheostat. There is a wide variety of symptoms and how severely it presents. He went into detailed explanations of the variety of ways it presents. He then asked me to think again. He said he saw me experience a cataplexy event while he was telling me about it. I was upset. I thought it was once a week but I had two catplexy events during class the previous morning. I had 5 that day alone. I had 3 on my drive there. I had one in front of him.

I thought I had good control of myself and thought I was just dizzy because I was fasted for a potential blood draw. This just made me more self aware of how much this is and has been affecting me all these years and how much I've gaslit myself into thinking I just wasn't working hard enough or I was just complaining too much. I also think all those times I thought I was lightheaded from being hungry was actually cataplexy, which has probably contributed to me overeating as the symptoms developed further. I'm overweight and god I am so fucking exhausted all the time. Working out wipes me out for days after. And everyone told me I was being a baby. It's exhausing. Other people with narcolepsy agree. How am I supposed to have a good eating schedule when I don't have a consistent sleep schedule?

My environmental science class has also been having us do a lot of reading and research on our own environmental impact. This, paired with the bleak life stories I've seen in the narcolepsy support forms has left grappling with some heavy thoughts, some of which are nihilistic. At the same time, I feel lighter because I have more answers. It's all very confusing and I don't know who to talk to about this. I want an in person support group. I'm seeing a therapist, but she's a social worker. I don't think this is the support I need right now.

I'm not sure what kind of future I can have without continuing to push myself past my actual limits. I'm far too aware now to go back to masking and "powering through" everything when it was actively harming me and putting me in danger.

Masculinity, Meat Consumption, and Morality

The abolition movement in America began around 1830, with some sources pointing more specifically to 1833. It was a powerful movement aimed at ending slavery, rooted in questions of morality. Just as slavery had once been justified using religious scripture to “other” minorities and place them in lower positions, morality later became the driving force to abolish it. People who fought for abolition believed slavery was fundamentally unjust, and their moral conviction fueled the push for change (HISTORY.com Editors; Garrison et al.).

The idea of masculinity has shifted significantly over time. In earlier periods, an ideal man was considered clever, intellectual, and resourceful. Over the centuries, however, masculinity became increasingly associated with power, physical prowess, and dominance rather than education. For example, in the 1870s, being overweight was considered ideal because it signified access to scarce resources, particularly meat. Later, as food became more abundant and accessible, ideals shifted toward leanness and fitness, symbolizing restraint and discipline (Loria and Kim). Even post-war, our culture did shift to hypermasculinity and building muscle was seen as peak male performance. Places like "Muscle Beach" in Venice are a result of that.

The cultivation of masculinity has always been tied to broader social forces. Historically and today, Western traditions have linked eating meat with manliness. Modern day American Masculinity equates strength, rationality, aggression, a rejection of being emotional or feeling emotions and sexual prowess with the ideal male role. Meat eating fits this narrative because it symbolically represents conquering another body, reinforcing patriarchal and violent associations. As Calvert explains, meat consumption reflects "a primitive masculinity" that normalizes aggressive traits by framing them as natural male behaviors (Carson 52). Even today, men often signal masculinity through eating meat, while veganism and vegetarianism are coded as more feminine, "touchy-feely."

Trends in meat consumption reflect both cultural values and social change. Historically, meat was reserved for special occasions, but over time it became a staple of daily meals. In 1961, the average American consumed 88.04 kilograms of meat per year, with 42.52 kg of beef, 28.56 kg of pork, and 16.96 kg of poultry (Our World in Data). By 2022, per capita meat consumption had risen to 120.26 kg, with poultry showing the largest increase to 53.03 kg, pork remaining relatively stable at 29.58 kg, and beef decreasing slightly to 37.65 kg (Our World in Data). Still, the United States consumes "almost 30 billion pounds of beef annually - about 21% of the world's beef supply" (Cutting). The persistence of high meat consumption reflects how deeply it is intertwined with cultural identity, advertising, and masculinity.

This relationship between meat and American identity can be traced back to colonialism. Early settlers brought cattle with them, and raising cows required vast tracts of land for grazing. This demand for land often put settlers in direct conflict with Native Americans. While cattle thrived, native bison populations were intentionally decimated. In 1800, there were an estimated 30 million bison in the western United States; by 1890, that number had plummeted, replaced by roughly 60 million cattle (Cutting). Today, only about 31,000 wild bison remain, divided between plains and wood bison populations (National Wildlife Federation). Destroying the bison was not only an ecological act but also a political one, used to weaken and control Native Americans by erasing their primary food source. Beef consumption, therefore, became a symbol of both colonial dominance and American identity.

The cultural glorification of beef continues today. From fast-food commercials in the 1990s and 2000s that paired scantily clad women with burgers and cars to the recurring imagery of beef in country music, American culture has consistently linked meat with masculinity, sexuality, and patriotism. This history shows how meat eating is not just about nutrition but also about identity and power.

Several conclusions can be drawn from this research. Masculinity, as it is constructed in American culture, often encourages destructive behaviors. Just as morality once led people to fight slavery, it should also encourage us to reduce our overconsumption of meat and challenge toxic ideals of manhood. Redefining masculinity to value care, restraint, and flexibility could benefit both people and the planet. Instead, marketing and cultural narratives continue to push men into narrow boxes. So much so that diet sodas like "Dr Pepper Ten" had to be branded as "not for women" to reassure men that drinking fewer calories would not threaten their masculinity (Clarke). Men are so conditioned to avoid appearing weak or feminine that even something as simple as eating a salad is seen as effeminate.

This resistance to change is not new. If we look at the history of slavery, the destruction of Native Americans and their land, homes, and families, and even the modern glorification of violence in hobbies such as guns and hunting, it becomes clear that masculinity in America has long been tied to domination. Masculinity has often been constructed around the ability to control, conquer, and consume - whether it was people, land, or animals. Just as abolitionists once challenged the moral failings of slavery, there is now a pressing need to confront the moral failings of destructive consumption patterns and rigid gender ideals. This raises an urgent question: why do so many men continue to resist redefining masculinity in ways that would support their own health, challenge violence as a default expression of manhood, and contribute to a more sustainable planet?

Works Cited

Buscemi, Francesco. From Body Fuel to Universal Poison: Cultural History of Meat: 1900-The Present. Springer International Publishing, 2018. Springer Nature Link, https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-72086-9_3. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Carson, Saphronica. "Eat Like a White Man: Meat-Eating, Masculinity, and Neo-Colonialism." The Pegasus Review: University of Central Florida Undergraduate Research Journal, vol. 13, no. 2, 2021, pp. 49-61. UCF Stars, https://stars.library.ucf.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1138&context=urj. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Clarke, Suzan. "Dr. Pepper Ten: It's 'Not for Women,' Macho Marketing Campaign Says." ABC News, 12 October 2011, https://abcnews.go.com/blogs/business/2011/10/dr-pepper-ten-its-not-for-women-macho-marketing-campaign-says. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Cutting, Hannah. "How beef became a marker of American identity." The Conversation, 23 October 2024, https://theconversation.com/how-beef-became-a-marker-of-american-identity-214824. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Garrison, William Lloyd, et al. "Abolition, Anti-Slavery Movements, and the Rise of the Sectional Controversy - The African American Odyssey: A Quest for Full Citizenship | Exhibitions." Library of Congress, https://www.loc.gov/exhibits/african-american-odyssey/abolition.html. Accessed 12 September 2025.

HISTORY.com Editors. "Abolitionist Movement - Definition & Famous Abolitionists | HISTORY." History.com, 27 October 2009, https://www.history.com/articles/abolitionist-movement. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Loria, Kevin, and Gene Kim. "How the 'Perfect' Male Body Has Changed." Business Insider, 2 July 2017, https://www.businessinsider.com/how-perfect-male-body-changed-2017#1870s-in-the-late-19th-century-being-overweight-was-a-sign-of-wealth-since-it-suggested-one-had-the-means-to-feast-1. Accessed 12 September 2025.

National Wildlife Federation. "American Bison." National Wildlife Federation, https://www.nwf.org/Educational-Resources/Wildlife-Guide/Mammals/American-Bison. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Our World in Data. "Per capita meat consumption in the United States." Our World in Data, Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, 2024, https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/per-capita-meat-usa. Accessed 12 September 2025.

Velzeboer, Rob, et al. "Masculinity, Meat, and Veg*nism: A Scoping Review." Am J Mens Health, vol. 18, no. 2, 2024. National Library of Medicine, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11057354/. Accessed 12 September 2025.